Patchwork Philosophy

I was having a wonder just now (a wonder as in a hypothetical stroll through my mind, not a “wander” as in an actual stroll) and started thinking about all the people, experiences, books, films, etc. that contribute to the things you think, and the way you think them.

I was in the middle of updating my Goodreads reviews and started thinking back to a trilogy I read recently by Terry Pratchett (RIP) and Neil Gaiman. Both legends of course and personal literary heroes of mine. The trilogy in question is called “The Long Earth Series” which is comprised of “The Long Earth”, “The Long War” and “The Long Mars”.

I’ll put up a review of these novels soon but what I wanted to say was that these books really forced me to question the things I’ve learnt, assumed, know, think and believe.

When you’re talking about the potential end of the world and following characters you empathise with on a journey into new worlds, you can’t help but dwell a little on your own mortality. I know this sounds depressing but I actually felt like I grew as a person over the course of reading these books. This made me think of other mind-blowing moments where you are aware that what you are learning now will stay with you and inform your decisions and choices in the future.

To me, it seems fitting that the result of these moments should be called your patchwork philosophy, and I’d like to share with you some of my patches.

Writing: Teenagers almost always write angsty stuff about love. This is just a fact that you can’t get away from when you’re a teenager, you have to either embrace it or wait until you’ve grown up a bit before you write your novel. That said, it’s better to write prolifically and terribly but improve over time rather than to write nothing until you feel able to write a masterpiece. Everyone has a book in them because everyone has a story to tell. It’s just a matter of getting it down on paper.

Love: Even Shakespeare recognised that love is what it is and ain’t changing for nobody (that’s a quote from one of the sonnets…).   Obviously, LGBTQ rights have featured prominently in the news this week because the US have finally got on board with same-sex marriage being a legal right. Well-done for catching-up and everything but attitudes don’t change overnight…so keep up the good work :-).

Sharing your beliefs with others: The best way to demonstrate why others should believe the same things you do is to live by example rather than argue your point. People often believe subtle variations of the same basic principles and these can usually be summarised by “just try not to be a dick”.

That’s it for my patchwork philosophy for now. Contributors include Mr S, my year-11 English teacher, the tutors I had at college, books I’ve read (The Book Thief, Long Earth Series, Nation, Boy in the Striped Pyjamas, etc.), plays/ musicals I’ve seen (Les Miserables, Everything Between Us, etc. ), films and series (Shawshank Redemption, Band of Brothers, The Truman Show, etc.) and of course my wonderful parents, family and friends.

Can any of you trace certain ideas you have back to things you learnt from books, films, shows or people you’ve known?  Do any of you have any mind-expanding, horizon-broadening book/ film recommendations? Let me know!

Trying Not to be an Insufferable Weirdo

A common anxiety with starting a new job is the worry that you won’t “fit in”. It was a worry for me too – despite appearances, I am not the witty, envy-inducing sophisticate I pretend to be (cough cough). Alas no, I’m Miranda Hart when she lines up a load of gym balls and attempts to belly roll across them all at once. Yeah. That.

To try and calm myself, and prepare for integration into a new team, I Googled the crap out of the phrase “how to fit in at a new job”. The advice given under the various results is frankly either obvious or sickening.

The OBVIOUS recommendations are all along the lines of:

WEAR CLOTHES
I suppose it depends what job you do but you should know whether clothes are a requirement before entering into this thing. Otherwise it could get awkward. However, I would not recommend asking your interviewer “do we have to wear clothes?”. Unless he/she is naked at the time or he/she is your significant other and you’re just being petulant.

DO YOUR JOB
Again, this is a pretty basic expectation. If you’ve got the job, you probably are aware that next on your to-do list is “do the job”. If you’ve got it, but are not aware of this requirement to actually, y’know, do it – then I recommend that you write your resignation letter and quit before you break anything. If you’ve only just interviewed and haven’t heard back yet – and are surprised by these first two expectations – don’t worry your pretty little head about it dear, they’re not gonna hire you.

BE POLITE
Unless your main KPI in the new position is to piss people off as much as possible – mind your bloody manners – stupid twazzock,

The SICKENING advice comes from (and I hate to point fingers here) “inspiring” (usually US) magazine articles and the like (I’m looking at you Linked In Influencers!). They offer such pearls of wisdom as:

ASK FOR HELP IN WAYS THAT DON’T REQUIRE WORDS (errr…what?)
I’m not sure this’d work and fail to see how it can help you fit in, unless you’re going for comedy value. I can see it now, your Outlook won’t sync emails, so you sidle over to your IT manager’s pingpong table and attempt to explain the situation through the genre of modern interpretative dance. Natch. Ooh that brings me to a secondary point:

BRUSH UP ON YOUR DANCING/ MIMING/ ACTING SKILLS
How else will you ask for help when you need it? You want to fit in don’t you?

Becky REALLY needed help with the photocopier…

OFFER TO DO THE SHITTIEST JOBS
No. Don’t. In my experience, if you offer to do these jobs, you will be the one that has to do them for the rest of time because the next new hire won’t be such a gullible idiot.

Honestly, I could go on but am actually boring myself and I worry that the more I type about this drivel, the more I’ll start to believe it’s helpful advice.

My master plan for fitting in is to do the following, equally basic but significantly less stupid things:

SMILE
Not all the time, not like a maniac and remember to also blink. Just smile genuinely, and as often as possible without being committed to an asylum. You’ll soon find the line. Keep an eye on whether your colleagues are smiling, that’s usually a telltale sign as to whether or not it’s smiling time.

LISTEN
Easier said than done if you’re me. Try not to interrupt when people are talking to you, even if what you have to say is way funnier. If you can’t manage to actually listen – practice your listening face so that you at least look like your listening. I would advise that if you are not good at listening, you’d better be good at bullshitting too otherwise it’ll all fall to pieces when you do listening face and are then asked what was said. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

EXUDE CONFIDENCE
If you’re not actually confident, at least try and act it. Otherwise you’ll make things harder for yourself by worrying that you’re not fitting in when in fact everything’s fine. If you don’t get the self confidence up, you’ll be sitting in the dark with a tin foil hat on before you can say “paranoid schizophrenic”. If you’re blessed with oodles of confidence, that’s fine, just make sure you know where to park it. No-one likes a smart arse.

HELP OUT WHERE YOU CAN
I’m not saying you should offer to do the shitty jobs but it’s good to show willing if you are asked to do them. You can also offer to help out with non-shitty jobs if you think that it will benefit your colleagues or team.  It’s a chance for you to establish comradeship early on. Also – one good turn deserves another.

RELAX
Not too much mind. Just allow yourself to relax enough that you don’t stress yourself out by the little things. Otherwise you will collapse if you are ever put under more pressure in the future (which you undoubtedly will be – sorry to break it to you).

Seriously though, good luck with it! I’m off to dance for the IT manager…

Krazi for Khaki

Ohmanohmanohman, did I just spell a C-word with a ‘K’? Yes. And with an ‘I’ too – see what I did there? What a ku…

It’s IRONIC damn you! Now girls. I am NOT exactly a dedicated follower of fashion. As I write this I am wearing Eeyore pyjamas and 2 jumpers. One of which is blue and fluffy and referred to by Mr Man Shirt as “the Cookie Monster top”. It is not, by any stretch of the imagination, attractive. However, I am rockin’ some sweeeet eye make-up which I just spent the last hour experimenting with. I have literally no clue what the latest make-up trends are but my blog, my rules. So  ATTEEENN-HUT and EYES FRONT because this month, I’m all about the khaki.

The kit:

MAC Eye Kohl in Teddy
This is the first and only MAC kohl pencil I have ever owned. I chose it because I have tiny eyes and nothing bloody stays put. So I thought I would see if it made a difference if I spent a bit more money for something that I don’t have to constantly worry will slide off my face!

The colour is a beautiful compliment to my dark brown eyes (even if I do say so myself). It comes off as a warm-toned brown, not too red, with a subtle golden shimmer which is spread evenly whether you draw a solid line or blend it out. The consistency is soft and blendable which magically doesn’t shift without make-up remover. Perfect!

I picked this up from my local MAC counter at £14.00 (*winces). I did try the RIMMEL Scandaleyes Kohl in Bronze but it was too reddish for me. However I am thinking of trying a NYX pencil in Brown since I adore the formula of the other pencils I have from that range AND they’re so cheap!

RIMMEL Stars Eyeshadow in Circus Chic (I think)
There is a really old department store in my town which is a bit like a pre-war jumble sale but sometimes you can find discontinued stock from other department stores. These items are usually discounted so I often have a browse for make-up in there. This is where I bought this poor, defeated eye shadow. The shade number has long since rubbed off but I think it was “Circus Chic” – a very pale pinky-white shade with a pearly finished. I use it on the inner corner of my eyelids as a highlight. I’m not fussy when it comes to highlight shades. I just use whichever one I pick up first. This is the one that’s in my make-up bag at the moment. It needs using up, I’m sure I’ve had it for an unhealthy length of time!

The formula is a bit powdery and I do get some falldown but it’s not much of an issue because the colour is so light. I think I picked this up for £1 but I’m not sure if you can get hold of it now. Anyway, it’s cheap and it does the job, but that’s all you can really say about this little shade.

NYX Retractable Eye Pencil in Golden Olive
I love love LOVE everything about this pencil. The shade is a beautiful olive green with finely milled golden shimmer running through it. Again, the shimmer spreads evenly whether you are drawing a bold line or sheering it out to create a smoky effect. The tone is fairly warm and brings out the browness (if that’s a word) of my eyes. This is a versatile shade that gives definition whilst adding a bit of intrigue because it’s not your bog standard black or brown.

For my spring make-up, I’ll be using this to rock khaki smokey eyes with nude lips. However, this is a really versatile colour and would also look great as a compliment to plum colours in the autumn and is a great alternative to bronze (which is SO 2015 dah-ling).

The formula of these pencils is very creamy with great colour pay-off and smooth application but you have literally seconds to blend out before it sets. Once set, this baby ain’t budging for nothing.

The other awesome thing about this eyeliner is the price. £4.50 a pop and worth every penny.

I also have it in turquoise but soon my pretties, I will have ALL THE COLOURS mwah hahahah…

*ahem*

MAXFACTOR Wild Shadow in Golden Amazon
I’m not sure what to think about the formula of this shadow. It seems quite hard to pick up enough product to get the bold colour pay off that I want. However, using a cream shadow underneath makes it stand out more. That said, I got this free as a gift with purchase at Christmas so I can’t complain too much.

I don’t tend to go through eye shadows too quickly so I don’t expect that I will have to repurchase this any time soon but if I did, I think I would actually go for a khaki colour from a different brand, which is known to have better pay off.  Literally the only thing that I really love is how unique the shade is. It’s hard to find this sort of shade in drugstore brands but a few possible Khaki options (not dupes but other khaki-esque shades would be this MUA Pearl Eyeshadow in Shade 12 – a snip at £1, or maybe this popular palette from Sleek.

MAYBELLINE Colour Tattoo 24hr Leather Effect Cream Eye Shadow in Creamy Beige
This is a classic “bloggers made me do it” situation. I blame Essie Button for this. I say blame, I mean thank. This cream eyeshadow looks a bit minging in the pot but is actually a really flattering shade on the skin. It’s quite cool toned and brings out my brown eye. Yet it’s versatile too, as demonstrated by the fact that it also looks amazing on Essie’s big blues. It’s a good price, great pay, fantastic staying power and nice colour – an all-rounder.

The finished result:

— manshirtpencilskirt —

If you have any recommendations/ favourite colour combos let me know (as if I need an excuse to buy more make-up).

I always thought Dorset was sinister…

WARNING: SPOILERS! This post is intended for people who have been following the Broadchurch series on ITV. DO NOT read on if you are yet to catch-up!

If you took out all the panning over cliffs, fields, beaches and bluebell woods. Then took out all the time devoted to adverts. How long do you think the average Broadchurch episode would be? Honestly, I appreciate the atmospheric shots – to a point. I get that they’re setting the scene and that Dorset is bloody beautiful but c’mon guys. Get on with it!

I watched the final episode of Series 2 last night and I did find it quite satisfying. Admittedly I wanted the bastard to be found guilty but if he actually had been, I’m sure I would have found that anti-climactic – to say the least.

So the fact that the jury returned with “Not Guilty” wasn’t exactly a surprise. However, the way the townsfolk dealt with it was. I was worried for a few minutes that the plot would descend into a get-your-own-back series of generic revenge murders. But no. Broadchurch writers took the high road in an emotional scene where the vicar oversees justice, in what I think was a realistic (if idealistic) way.

Photo credit: Podknox / Foter / CC BY

So I was quite satisfied with how the Latimer murder turned out.

However, the Sandbrook story was ridiculous from start to finish. I feel like that arc had any sensible progression. In the beginning, when details were scant but bluebells were abundant. Then BAM! Before you know it, there’s a bloody livestock incinerator! What the…?

Things took a very dark turn, very suddenly and I wish we had had more time on it rather than having everything neatly sold in a rush at the end. So maybe it’s not the progression of the plot but the pacing that didn’t sit well with me. Either way, it was just a bit off.

Can I say though – how bloody brilliant is Miller. Ah! I have such a girl crush on Olivia. Girl, if you’re reading this (fat chance) I would LOVE to just hang out with you in my PJs eating Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food. Do you HAVE to be suspected of murder to have a girly night with you?

*Goes to get bread knife*.

Err, I’ll see you later guys…

Resignation Letter Template

In Quitting Your Job Without Being a Bitch, I mentioned writing a Resignation Letter. This is the template I use, feel free to copy and paste it into a document for your own use.

The bits in [square brackets] need editing and the bits in Italics are just notes for your reference which will need to be deleted before sending (thank you Captain Obvious!).

—

[Address]

[Date]

Letter of Resignation

Dear [Manager Name],

Please accept this letter as notice of my resignation from the position of [Job Title] at [Company].

[If you need to negotiate on the length of your notice period…]
Although my employment contract states a required notice period of [duration of contracted notice period], I would like to reduce this to [suggested duration], completing my employment on [DD Month YY].

This is due to my new role commencing on [DD Month]. I hope we can come to an amicable agreement to grant this request. I will do everything possible to provide a smooth handover on my current projects..

I have enjoyed being a part of the team [if you have!] and am thankful for the opportunities you have given me during my time here. I hope that I can rely on you for a positive reference in future.

Yours sincerely,

[Your Name].

—

Meal Plan – Week 1 – The Devil Domino’s!

Mr Man Shirt and I both work long hours in the nearest city, which is an hour commute, each way. We like to eat cold or small lunches, and hearty home-cooked dinners using fresh vegetables which we get delivered from a local farm once every fortnight. We started with the deliveries as a way to save money, it only costs £11.50 per fortnight and we get a crate of seasonal veg, which always includes onions, carrots and potatoes, PLUS some lovely freshly laid hens eggs. Well worth it if you are looking to change up your shopping habits, eat more healthily, or save money.

The other way we try to watch our budget is by (loosely) planning our meals. You don’t know me very well yet, but if any of my friends read that last sentence, I expect they’d laugh their heads off. I’m not generally known for my planning ahead but you know, I try. And I feel better for at least giving it a go. So far, it’s been working pretty well. Man Shirt and I have a system. I write the plan down and then he’s the one that makes us actually stick to it.

To help me in my task, I downloaded a FAB free printable (all the rage according to Pinterest, which is of course the authority on such matters) from this person: http://www.designfinch.com/2011/07/31/sunday-planning/.

So, this week’s (very casual, not particularly detailed) meal plan, looks like this:

Download it here: http://ollibird.com/images/scribblemenu.jpg

Quitting Your Job Without Being a Bitch

This week will be my last week working for the company I started at as a Graduate in 2010. I have some great memories because it’s where I cut my teeth as a Business Development Manager. However, on Friday. I will leave my desk in my shiny, corporate, open-plan office for the last time.

I. Can’t. WAIT!

I think it’s important to try and do what you love, and love what you do, and all those clichés. If that means that you want to do Tai Chi at sunrise, eat oatmeal and work from home (so that you can be around enough to look after the Corgi that you’re dying to get, obvs!) then work out a way to manoeuvre yourself into a position where you have the time and money to do those things. This is what I’ve been trying to do – position myself – not Tai Chi…

Photo credit: barry.pousman / Foter / CC BY

So I’m taking a chance and striking out for a new adventure in a position that is a step up from the one I’m leaving but in a completely different industry (the exciting world of Corporate Tax!).

The problem now of course, is trying to extricate myself without damaging any relationships on the way out. I’ve been casting around for tips on managing this sort of situation diplomatically and it all seems to come to “why do you even care – you’re leaving!”.

Sigh. I KNOW lots of people would think I’m mad for bothering about it but some of these people I’m leaving behind are my friends (yeah, yeah I know, rookie error numero uno – colleagues are not your bezzies). You’ve got to understand that it was very difficult to navigate the undercurrents of office politics when I first started, so I very easily fell into the trap of adding workmates on Facebook. I would not recommend this now of course but I’ve amped up my security settings and have them on my limited profile list. I guess the first job of the exit plan will be to cull unnecessary contacts. Sad times.

The other reason for caring is that, to use another tired cliché, I don’t want to burn any bridges. You just don’t know when you’re going to come across people again, or when you’ll want to call in favours. I’m trying to take a leaf out of my COO’s book. He’s like a Master of Puppets, he seems to be able to call in favours from all sorts of people in his network. Whether he used to work with them, or for them, or knows them as another dad in the school playground, or plays football with them or (and this actually happened) bumped into them on a night out and got chatting about business. It seems to me that it’s good to keep your options open.

So far, I think I’ve managed not to be a bitch. The only thing I have to be careful of, is not letting my glee at moving on lower the morale of those I’m leaving behind. I guess it depends on your reasons for leaving but it’s hard not to get dragged into exacerbating negativity with others saying “get out while you can”, “save yourself” etc. I still find it hard not to agree with whingers when I have my own frustrations. This is something that’s going in the “could do better” section of my mental report card. I didn’t say I had it all sussed.

These are the things I have done (or am in the process of doing) to minimise the bitch factor:

Created using http://www.easel.ly

1. Resign IN PERSON
Try to break the news nicely, face to face. You will still be expected to hand in a Resignation Letter but try to talk to your boss first and hand it in after you’ve spoken to him in person. This way, it won’t look like you are trying to avoid confrontation (even if you’re base instinct is to leg it!) and your boss will be grateful for your mature approach. As a bonus, it may open up a new conversation about how they can convince you to stay, which may lead to a better deal.

You will need to be empathetic but not big-headed. It’s important to remember that no matter how good you are at your job, no-one is irreplaceable (cue Beyoncé). So, when talking about resigning, bear in mind that your manager might be upset, disappointed or (disconcertingly) chilled out. However they react, you should show them that you understand the position this leaves the company in and that it’s not a decision you have taken lightly. Don’t overdo it though, or it will sound like you think they’ll never survive without you and that you’re pleased to be stickin’ it to the man! (move over Bey! Jack Black iz in da house!).

You’ve also got to be mentally prepared for their reaction and take it on the chin. Things could get personal, they may bring up your performance or behaviour. If your boss reacts very negatively, you should be positive. If you’re a salesperson like me, think of it like selling them the idea that “change is good”. This is just another pitch. It’s hard to call it and you probably won’t know how it’s going to go until you actually say the words.

One of the reactions you should be ready for, but not necessarily expect, is the counter-offer…

If a business wants to keep you, they may try to negotiate the terms of your contract so that you’ll agree to stay. So – before you do any of this, you need to be sure of the reasons why you’re resigning.

For me, I wanted a better salary, better prospects of becoming a senior manager and to work in an office where I didn’t feel disadvantaged by the impression I made as a graduate.. I wasn’t interested in giving my boss empty threats as a bargaining tool because I believe in fair and open negotiations and am not interested in games. While I don’t condone this sort of bargaining, it seems to be quite common. BE CAREFUL if this is your reason for handing in your resignation. I heard about a girl who did this and her boss called her bluff and let her go. She was worse off because of it and even tried to get him to re-hire her (to no avail) 6 months later. You have been warned.

That said, there is nothing wrong with being open to negotiation, if the opportunity arises. Just make sure you know what you’re ideal solution is and that any outcome helps you as well as them.

Either way, it is imperative that you know your own mind.

Once your decision has been made, assuming there is no more negotiation to be had, stick to that decision and DON’T WAVER! No-one will appreciate you messing around because your decision will impact your colleagues, the working environment and, potentially, the business.

2. Help Where you Can
Apparently it’s quite common for people in client-facing roles to be put on Gardening Leave. Sadly, this was not the case for me because my skills as a Spanish translator were needed at the time. I just had to agree to be careful about what I say to clients and I was flattered that they trusted me (but bummed that I wouldn’t get a free month off!).

If you’re not put on Gardening Leave, offer to help in any way you can (except not quitting). You could offer to help find or train your replacement, to write a manual or leave instructions, to save the files necessary to do your job in a certain folder, to leave a list of websites/ apps/ tools and the appropriate login information,  etc. Such assistance, should, most of the time, be gratefully accepted and remember, going back to the whole thing about not burning bridges, one good turn deserves another (you scratch my back and… argh! What IS IT with all the cheesy catchphrases today?).

3. Take Care of Business
If you have to work your notice, the time will seem to drip by so damn slowly that you will feel yourself going mad by the second. My solution to this, is (illogically, perhaps) to keep busy. There’s not much point starting anything new but you may as well complete all the tasks that you can finish in the time you’ve got left. If you’re a loser like me, you might turn this into a bit of a game (okay, I hear you laughing, forget I said that…).

4. Cleanse
If you’ve got a work phone and laptop, it would be prudent to double-check that you don’t have any personal data or files on there (!). No-one wants to see the gazillion duck-pout selfies you took when you were bored on the train.

You may also want to see who, on your list of Outlook/LinkedIn contacts, would be useful to you going forward. You want to plan who you are going to approach for recommendations and who you will continue to network with for future business prospects.

Once you’ve done that, clean up your email inbox, and your desktop and folders, etc. Then, set your phone/ laptop back to factory settings, or call your IT Support Provider and ask them to close your profile down.

5. Say Goodbye
Lastly – this is the bit I’m doing on Friday – wash up your mug, pack your things, and say your goodbyes and thank yous in person. After all, you might still want a recommendation out of them, right?

Sneaky number 6… Pubbage!
You might also get a few drinks in with your (ex)workmates as a last goodbye but don’t go too mental. You’ll need to be bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for your new job!

If you’ve got any tips of your own, feel free to add them in the comments below!

Peace out!